Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer

The winning Twilight formula: Whiny Heroine + Tortured Hero + Unrequited Love + Unfulfilled Sexual Tension = Happy Rabid Fangirls The not-as-successful Breaking Dawn formula: Whiny Heroine + Tortured Hero + Unrequited Love + Obligatory Sex Scenes That Don't Do Anything For Ya + Character Deviations + Stupid Plot Contrivances + The Next Coming Of The Messiah = Errm... Split into three parts, 2/3rds of Breaking Dawn is written from Bella's point of view. In the first few chapters we immediately see the Bella we love or hate or love to hate (depending on your point of view). Same old Bells. She spends the first chapter whining about her new situation, the upcoming wedding, and Edward's atrocious treatment of her that one really cannot help but wonder why she's marrying him. He's such a horrible fiance; buying her an expensive flame-proof and missile-proof benz that wasn't out in Europe yet, much less in America, to replace her old clunker when it "conveniently" died days after the engagement, as if he somehow willed her old truck to die with the sheer power of his mind. She was unhappy about a great many other things too, her fabulous wedding gown, her sky's-the-limit credit card, the ginormous diamond set in her engagement band, ivy-league education etc, etc. Advanced torture, really. Fast forward to the wedding reception, Jacob makes a surprise appearance, in this part you'll find the quiet desperation Bella and Jacob have for each other. To be together even. You see, truly, that had Edward not returned (and without Alice's interference), Bella would be with Jacob, and they would have been happy. After a few blissful minutes in each others arms, Jacob ruins their hallmark moment by obsessing over the newlyweds wedding night. Hijinx ensues then he runs away. After a very verbose description of the wedding (although to be fair, a very beautifully described one), Eddy boy and Bells head on to the most beeyooteeful island in the world for their honeymoon. Once in Isle Esme, Bella morphs into a seduction doyen. After much angst and sexxoring Bella finds herself pregnant within two weeks after their first coupling. Yes, you read that right, she's preggers with a sparkly undead baby that grows in an exponential rate which naturally ticks me and the rest of the 99.9% of her reading public off. I'm all for world building and fantasy and all that, this is after ahh Stephenie Meyer's brainchild, but come on..shouldn't there be some sort of internal consistency or something? When Edward along with 99% of the Cullen clan are mortified by this aberration, Bella contracts Rosalie to play the bodyguard to her Whitney Houston. This is when Sparkly Eddy boy loses much shimmer. By all that is unholy, he practically begs Jakey poo to convince her to abort their baby and then give her a litter of puppies! Puppies!!!!!! Right, ask the man desperately in love with your wife who happens to be her bestfriend and your worst enemy to boot to assist in convincing her to commit adultery against you to save her life. We should all be so lucky. When she finally gives birth (I'm not even going to get into the whole baby chomping out of her stomach thing) she dies. The end..I wish. Captain Sparkles revives her with his super juice (I'm talking about his venom, not the other *headjerk* juice) and sheer will. Two days of writhing in silence later, Bella is reborn as super Vampirella. It seems that she was born fated to be a vamp. She's dazzling, her voice rings and shimmers like a bell, she's has super strength (hurts Edward when she hugs him, even beats Emmet in arm-wrestling! hah!), and, most incredible of all, does not suffer from blood lust. That just pisses me off man, that's a major cop out in Meyer's part. What could have been a beautiful and introspective narrative turned into a cinderella story featuring Edward Cullen as the fairy godmother. There is absolutely no character development. Once turned, Bella metamorphosed from rubbish to platinum with no self-discovery or awareness whatsoever. What about the Cullens you may ask? Well, don't even go there, my condensed opinion is that Edward has turned from Teen Beat heartthrob to poster boy for Depressed Teens, Alice does nothing but bemoan Bella's wardrobe choices, Emmett spends all his time making inappropriate jokes about his brother and sister-in-law's sex life, Rosalie is still the same-old blonde bimbo bitch, Jasper glowers a lot and now goes by Jazz (wtf is that?!), Esme worries, and Carlisle is useless. That's about it. By this time, Jacob has defected from his La Push pack and unwittingly starts his own brandspanking new renegade pack devoted to saving the Cullen clan from turning into Werewolf happy meals. By his side is puppy Seth Clearwater and his bitch sister Leah. The arrival of the Cullen Messiah so named Renesmee Carlie (an obvious play on Renee-Esme Charlie-Carlisle) mark a new dawn (forgive the unintended pun). Jacob has now all but forgotten his old obsession for Bella in lieu for a better option - the baby. Yes, he imprints on the baby. Shades of pedophilia and necrophilia abound. Beyond that there are many more contrived plot devices and hijinxes that I just gloss over (with glazed eyes) simply because it seemed (in my opinion) to be there to just fill up the required word count. I'm not even going to get into other quibbles (like Charlie's acceptance of paranormal existence with nary a batted eyelash) because that shit is just going to give me an aneurysm. At it's best, Breaking Dawn is an easy but painful read. All of this into consideration this book just felt like one really bad fanfic if not a major long-ass epilogue. But hey, everybody in Twilightlandia is happy, Stephenie Meyer is happy (and who wouldn't be with all the cold hard cash she's raking in from suckers that, unfortuantely, includes myself), and the rabid fangirls are happy. So all is well in the world.